The New Normal

Six months ago life changed.

It took years to build to a crescendo. The illusion of time. Days long, years short. Then high school's senior year hit in a whirl. That senior photo session at Cathedral Park set off a sprint that never abated. College visits, music auditions, essays, scholarship applications, exams. Graduation. Celebration. Summer work. A frenzy to get the dorm list purchased.

Labor Day Weekend appeared out of nowhere. The SUV was packed to the roof. A rush out the door at dawn. Coffee for the drive north.

To the unknown.

Oh the emotions of that day!

We landed at the residence hall with all of the other university families, the car overstuffed with furnishings and gear, our hearts over spilling with a weird mix of love, pride, hope, melancholy and trepidation.

The tasks of the day were a refuge. We poured ourselves into industry. Wrestling stocky bed frames into the right position. Stowing gear. Hanging hooks, shelves and posters. Filling drawers. Figuring out the closet. Filling in the blanks of life with the new roommate's parents in between heaving furniture into place. A fine sweat lining the middle aged brows.

The afternoon gave way to evening. A graceful university picnic on the endless lawn as long shadows fell. Dad and I maximized the excuses to hang around for as long as was socially acceptable. (No, it was past acceptable actually.) Then we shot a photo outside the dorm as the sunset colors swirled like the pastel mother-of-pearl in an abalone's shell. 

Under the darkening sky we hugged the man-child goodbye. Then we pointed the car south and drove home. Lumps in our throats, the tears flowing. What trenchant babies, we. But .... the heaviness of loss is so real. The person we left on the residence hall steps is not the same person who will return home some future day. 

A huge stage of life cannot so precipitously shift without impact. The tectonic plates have heaved into a new position. The world is arranged differently now. 

The heartache hung around for weeks. Yea, months. And each time Son has come home for a weekend or a school break, his new leaving brings all of the feelings rushing back to the fore.

How is he doing, you ask? Who, him? Oh he's fine!

He has taken to university like a bird flown out of the nest, soaring on the upward draughts. Classes? Loves them. Loneliness? Never. On the first weekend of orientation he met a girl. She's become his girlfriend. She's beautiful, intelligent, kind, down-to-earth. Lovely. He has taken a campus job. His music is moving forward. Mozart, Beethoven all played with even greater technical skill, yet more nuanced feeling. He texts. Emails. We Face Time.

He is doing it. And ... so are we. 

Here at home the piano keys are silent. The bedroom empty. The Smash Bros video monitor is gone from the wall. The always-neat bedspread rumpled from Luna who lays on it to be close to his scent. No need to stock up on macaroni and cheese, pasta or sliced turkey for lunch. But mostly, the piano keys are silent. The air that was filled with his music is still.

I love him so much it hurts. Can he feel it? My care reaching through the distance? Willing him safety, peace, soul-rest, success? Love. So much love. 

There are gifts to be sure. Hubby and I find ourselves alone again, looking at each other across the table like long-lost lovers, friends. Oh! It's you! We have time to communicate more frequently, to connect in a deeper way. Oh yeah.... I like you. I remember now.

And our absent boy has not left a perfect void. There is a beautiful young man in his place. Ready for the next phase of life. Happy. Comfortable. Industrious. Focused. He will develop and grow. He is strong and capable. Has a good North Star. We can trust him with his own beautiful life.

What Life is About

On December 18, forty four year old Diana passed from this life into eternity in her sleep. She had worked in her classroom that day like so many others. Her mom shared some things she had said in the days leading up to that Friday. She may have been ready for the passage. But we weren't. The loss of Diana struck a heavy blow to my spirit. She had been my friend for the previous fifteen years. Her sparkling mind kept me sharp.

Three years ago she asked me what my advice to my 14 year old self would be.

Here's what I wrote to her in October 2012.

Advice for my 14 year old self:

·        Trust yourself. Listen for God’s still small voice. Follow the things that bring you peace – deep peace in your soul.

·        Enjoy what you have – even, and especially in terms of what you have physically. You only get one body, face, mind, spirit, personality. Take care of them. Love them. Use them well but do not abuse them. And expect that they will change through time. You will only realize what you should have been thankful for in some cases after it is gone. So when you are tempted to wish your nose were different, instead be thankful you don’t have wrinkles on your forehead yet. When you wonder if your face is pretty, be thankful that your joints work perfectly and do not ache. If you think your thighs are fat now, sister…. it could be worse. And likely sooner than you think. So appreciate the gifts of the present and be a good steward of everything God has given you.

·        Work is God’s gift to man. Choose your work wisely. Choose something that employs your greatest gifts and brings you the most joy. Once you have found your calling, keep it in its place. Work can be a joy, but it is not all there is to life. Ever.

·        The most important decisions happen in life when you have the least experience with life. Choose these with the greatest care, listening only to the truest intuition of your heart:  your spiritual compass, your life’s work, your life’s partner. If you know a choice is the right one, have courage and follow through with it.  If you pay the price to choose well when you are young, you will enjoy no regrets when you are old.

·        Life is a journey, a process. Do not neglect savoring the every day passage of time. One day it will be gone, fragile as a mist, a vapor. So make it beautiful and create something good. Show love and kindness to others. Love is what it’s all about.